We had a balloon launch for my brother today. At 2:00 PM EST (around then anyway) all over the country, our family and friends let go of a balloon with a note attached. In Indiana, where we are, about 40+ kids showed up. We met in the lobby, and filled up balloons and wrote a note on them (or put a note in them). I don't know the names of most of the kids that came, but I know each one of them were touched by knowing my brother.
It was a freeing day. The weather was beautiful, and we shared happy stories of my brother.
My mom went to see him at the funeral home today, and she asked me to go see him. I had been adamant about not going to see him. Because it would be too hard. But my uncle, step-mother, father, mother, and grandmother had gone to see him, and they all thought it would help me too.
I doubt I'll ever forget walking in and seeing him. I held fast to my mother's hand as I walked in. This guy sweeping the floor opened the door for us, and he explained that he was currently just laying on a table with a blanket and hospital gown on him, and his coloring was off because they hadn't done his makeup yet.
I think that image will stay with me for the rest of my life. He was huge. He was just a huge guy. Yet there he was, just laying on a little table with naught but a blue blanket covering him. And he felt so small. He didn't have the energy that he always had about him, and I knew then that he was gone.
Ryan's presence was always bigger than he was. He was a huge guy with an even bigger personality. Even when he was under three feet tall, he was just pure energy. And this body that couldn't contain his personality was all that was left.
I touched his arm, and I'll always remember just how unreal he felt. He was freezing. There was never a day in his life that Ryan was cold. He wore shorts in the middle of winter because he was so hot. That was what really triggered in my mind that Ryan was gone. It still doesn't seem real, because I still feel like I sense his energy just waiting for me to look up and see him, but his body isn't here anymore.
I also will never forget his face. His face was blue, his lips were white, and he was cold. He looked at peace though. He truly looked like he were sleeping, and having a pretty funny dream. He had a little smile on his face. Not at all the smile he wore a lot, but just this little half-smile. I stood there for a moment, and rubbed his cold arm. And mom and I talked. I told her about talking to Ryan in my heart, and that was what was important to me. And I kissed my hand and put it on his cheek. And we left for the balloon launch.
We've been talking a lot about Ryan. About him meeting his older brother up there. About how mom's guardian angel years ago was a son she had miscarried. I like to think that I've heard him talking to me before, that his name is Sam. Sam was younger than I, by about two years or so. Mom miscarried between me and Ryan. I like to think that Ryan met his older brother, and they're hanging out on a beach, talking about the things that they never got to do, but they can do now. The things that they're going to watch me do as I grow older. And I'll meet them again someday. And we'll be three kids together again. And we'll be free of the cares of this earth. And both of them have a lot of explaining to do, for leaving me alone down here. But I know they'll tell me, when I meet them again, that they knew I could do it.
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